Ernie Els Scoffs at Losers

In an unprecedented televised address to the nation last night, President George W. Bush announced a list of his New Year’s resolutions for 2007, telling the American people, “I am a big believer in abiding by resolutions, as long as they don’t come from the United Nations.”

The following is a list of the president’s New Year’s resolutions:

“I resolve to pay close attention to the recommendations of the Iraq Study Group’s report, as soon as it comes out on a books-on-tape version.

“I resolve to make sure that by the end of 2007, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki gets to spend more time with his family.

“I resolve to tell John Kerry that I thought his joke was hilarious and he should keep ’em coming.

“I resolve to learn how to use the Internets, especially the Google.

“I resolve to invite Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez to a peacemaking lunch at Taco Bell.

“I resolve to organize a hunting trip for Dick Cheney and Nancy Pelosi.

“I resolve to expand the search for Osama bin Laden to include MySpace.

“I resolve to clear all of the brush at my Crawford ranch, except for that patch I use to hide from Cindy Sheehan.

“I resolve to continue my opposition to gay parents, unless one of them is named Cheney.

“I resolve to improve relations with Latin America by building a 700-foot fence around Barb and Jen.

"I resolve to continue to not support Hillary Clinton.

"Finally, don't mess with Texas."