Ernie Els Scoffs at democrat liberal Losers Idiocy

SURPRISE SURPRISE ROSIE....SOME NEW GIRLFRIENDS ARE WAITING FOR YOU

HERE'S TO YOU, TOM, MICHAEL AND JACK

In an unprecedented labor action that could directly impact American journalists’ access to space-filling quotations, America’s experts went on strike today, seeking payment and benefits for their oft-quoted remarks.

For decades, journalists who have been up against deadlines with many column inches to fill have called upon experts at colleges, universities and think-tanks in the hopes that the loquacious sages would spew forth much-needed verbiage.

In exchange, the experts have asked little more than that the journalists spell their names correctly – but all that is about to change, the striking experts hope.

At a massive rally of disgruntled experts at the University of Minnesota, Professor Davis Logsdon, a leading expert and the president of the United Experts Union, fired up the crowd of irate know-it-alls.

“As experts, the time has come for us to stand together and refuse to give away our opinions for free,” Professor Logsdon said. “And a recent study shows that ninety-eight percent of you agree with me.”

Tracy Klujian, one of two dozen or so non-experts who crossed picket lines at the University of Minnesota to work as so-called “replacement experts” for the duration of the strike, said he had “no idea” how long the work stoppage could last.

“Maybe it could go on for months,” he said. “But I don’t know much about labor unions and stuff, so you’re really asking the wrong guy.”

In a move that raised eyebrows among observers of the 2008 campaign for the Democratic nomination for president, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) today sent former Vice President Al Gore a gift basket laden with high-calorie treats.

While the basket, chocked full of such sumptuous snacks as chocolate croissants and pecan buns, was ostensibly a gift to congratulate Mr. Gore on the publication of his new book, “The Assault on Reason,” some members of the former vice president’s staff saw more sinister motives in Sen. Clinton’s choice of present.

With Mr. Gore battling his waistline in recent years, any potential run for the White House in 2008 would presumably require a period of dieting and slimming down – processes that the basket of lip-smacking temptations seemed calculated to thwart.

At a press conference in Washington this morning, Carol Foyler, a senior member of Mr. Gore’s staff, told reporters that the basket of sugary delicacies had been “immediately identified as a threat to the vice president” and disposed of.

“At first we considered hiding the basket,” Ms. Foyler said. “Then we determined that it would be better to move the basket to an undisclosed location, where it was destroyed.”

Responding to the furor over the gift, Sen. Clinton called a press conference asking for forgiveness, claiming that she “meant no harm” in giving Mr. Gore the carbohydrate-rich basket.

“I value my friendship with with Al Gore,” Sen. Clinton said. “And, as a peace offering, I hope he will accept this case of Twinkies.”

LEVITATION OR DELUSION?

Personally I would like to see President Bush nominate Al Sharpton as the next Supreme Court Justice.  Al as a reverend obviously has Christian values.  Bush would silence the critics who claim he has a sleath conservative agenda.  He would clearly be beholded to Bush if he doesn't stroke out from the shock of being nominated.  Imagine the lively debates he could engender when the Supremes are discussing cases.  Imagine the blog material that would arise out of his written opinions much less his written dissents.  Heck, I might even be willing to serve for free as his law clerk just to see what ensues.  So far all this Supreme Court stuff has been pretty mundane.  Maybe Al might don a red robe.  A side benefit would be that his public commentary on current events would be stifled.

A professor at Oklahoma State University was giving a lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts ?"  About 90 students raise their hands.  "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost ?"  About 40 students raise their hands.  "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost ?"  About 15 students raise their hand.  "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost ?"  3 students raise their hands.  "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost ?"  Way in the back, Billy Bob raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."   The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Billy Bob, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost ?"  Billy Bob replied, "Shiiiit ! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."

“I’ve seen Paul Wolfowitz in action,” said Mr. Bush, a beaming Mr. Wolfowitz at his side. “If anyone can mess up al-Qaeda, it’s this guy.”

Several key details in the president’s plan still need to be worked out, such as how exactly Mr. Wolfowitz will infiltrate al-Qaeda and rise to the top position in its ranks.

“Al-Qaeda closely screens all of its top officers,” said Hassan El-Medfaii, head of the terror network’s human resources department. “It’s not like the Defense Department or the World Bank.”

Even if he ascends to its top post, it remains to be seen whether Mr. Wolfowitz will be happy at al-Qaeda, according to Professor Davis Logsdon, chairman of the Wolfowitz Studies Department at the University of Minnesota.

“Al-Qaeda is not like the World Bank,” Professor Logsdon said. “For one thing, it’s much harder to meet girls there.”

I've heard of some weird things being smuggled before, but this one takes the cake: According to an Associated Press article from last month, guards at the Israeli/Egyptian border at Gaza got the fright of a lifetime when they detained a woman whose thick clothing bulged suspiciously around the middle...

And why shouldn't it? After all, she had 3 live 20-inch CROCODILES stuffed up her burkah (or whatever) and strapped around her midsection. The discovery caused mass hysteria at the border crossing. Whether the woman or the crocs were detained as terrorists was not mentioned.

Hillary Rodham Clinton's deputy campaign manager wrote a memo this week urging the Democratic front-runner to bypass the Iowa caucuses, in order to spend time and resources in New Hampshire, South Carolina and several larger states hosting primaries next Feb. 5.

The memo emerged days after a new Des Moines Sunday Register poll of likely caucus goers showed Clinton trailing rivals John Edwards and Barack Obama in Iowa, which is scheduled to hold the first voting contests next January 14.

Great plan....avoid the losses....however that means that Hillary is going withdraw from ALL primaries?

Ding Dong the bitch er witch is dead...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

The Hunchback of Notre Dame said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. 

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.  "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphantly, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, the Hunchback of Notre Dame comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who is Rosie O'Donnell?"

A Florida amputee may hold the new world record for "least time between hospital visits." After his release, the man was waiting just inside the glass doors of Baptist's Hospital in Pensacola, Florida for a valet to bring his car up from the parking lot...

Instead, the valet crashed the man's car through the glass of TWO sets of lobby doors and ran into him, knocking the poor guy out of his wheelchair and landing him right back in the treatment room! According to an AP article, the driver confused the gas and brake in the patient's specially equipped car. Whether or not he tipped the valet is unclear.

How about that government-subsidized VA medicine - only the best for our troops, right? According to an Associated Press piece from April 4th, a 47-year-old veteran of the U.S. Air Force is suddenly missing something rather important as a result of sloppy medical care: His only good testicle!

Evidently, the dyslexic docs at the West Los Angeles VA Medical Center removed the man's right testicle (wrong, they mean) instead of his likely cancerous and atrophied left one. The hospital's Chief of Staff has formally apologized to the man and his wife - the article does not say whether he volunteered one of his own testicles as a replacement.

In less developed countries, eggs are still sorted and categorized by hand as to their size and quality. Well, in South Africa recently, a heartbroken "egg-grader" sued his now ex-wife in court for emotional distress after he found out she'd been sleeping with a much younger (and presumably more robust) employee of a rival chicken farm...

While this may seem unremarkable in itself, the name of the chicken-rearing facility the wife's new stud worked for is absolutely priceless: Golden Lay Farm.

According to the United Press International, a Romanian doctor recently sliced off a 36-year-old man's penis - and not by accident, either...

The "doctor" was simply frustrated at his own sloppiness when operating elsewhere on the man (the article didn't say where) - so he made the unkindest cut of all just to vent his anger! The doctor admits he "overreacted." Nevertheless, Romania's doctors union thinks the fine imposed on him - the equivalent of $US 190,000 - by whatever body is in charge of psychopathic doctors in Dracula-land is unwarranted.

How's that for a reality check that'll make you glad to take your chances with American medicine - even the "cut-rate" VA variety?

Seeking to see if her gay lifestyle was really for best for her, Clinton put in a call to Obama yesterday.  She should have called a fat male hooker instead.

"Hello Barack, I am feeling horny and Bill's heart medication has made him impotent.  The doctors say he can't take Viagra or Cialis and I want to take a shot at a man.  I'm getting tired of women.  You can't say no, I'm Hillary don't forget.  So get your butt over here asap.  Bring Viagra in case you can't keep up with me."

ONE CAN ONLY HOPE THEY ALL FELL IN

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont , Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth.  One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.  My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview . She is a part time "working girl". 

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for President?

Signed, Worried About My Reputation AND RIGHTLY SO!

I don't know the man who wrote this, but I looked at his picture and read it with my mouth hanging open. He says things here that no white man could ever write and keep his job as a writer .  

It can be verified at Snopes.com:     


 
 
 
By The Reverend Jesse Lee Peterson
 
 
 
Say a hurricane is about to destroy the city you live in. Two questions:
 
What would you do?
 
What would you do if you were black?
 
Sadly, the two questions don't have the same answer.
 
To the first: Most of us would take our families out of that city quickly to protect them from danger. Then, able-bodied men would ret urn to help others in need, as wives and others cared for children, elderly, infirm and the like.
 
For better or worse, Hurricane Katrina has told us the answer to the second question. If you're black and a hurricane is about to destroy your city, you'll probably wait for the government to save you.
 
This was not always the case. Prior to 40 years ago, such a pathetic performance by the black community in a time of crisis would have been inconceivable. The first response would have come from black men. They would take care of their families, bring them to safety, and then help the rest of the community. Then local government would come in.
 
No longer. When 75 percent of New Orleans residents had left the city, it was primarily immoral, welfare-pampered blacks that stayed behind and waited for the government to bail them out. This, as we know, did not turn out good results.
 
Enter Jesse Jackson and Louis Farrakhan. Jackson and Farrakhan laid blame on "racist" President Bush. Farrakhan actually proposed the idea that the government blew up a levee so as to kill blacks and save whites. The two demanded massive governmental spending to rebuild New Orleans, above and beyond the federal government's proposed $60 billion. Not only that, these two were positioning themselves as the gatekeepers to supervise the dispersion of funds. Perfect: Two of the most dishonest elite blacks in America, "overseeing" billions of dollars. I wonder where that money will end up.
 
Of course, if these two were really serious about laying blame on government, they should blame the local one. Responsibility to perform legally and practically fell first on the mayor of New Orleans. We are now all familiar with Mayor Ray Nagin, the black who likes to yell at President Bush for failing to do Nagin's job. The facts, unfortunately, do not support Nagin's wailing. As the Washington Times puts it, "recent reports show [Nagin] failed to follow through on his own city's emergency-response plan, which acknowledged that thousands of the city's poorest residents would have no way to evacuate the city."
 
One wonders how there was "no way" for these people to evacuate the city. We have photographic evidence telling us otherwise. You've probably seen it by now the photo showing 2,000 parked school buses, unused and underwater. How much planning does it require to put people on a bus and leave town, Mayor Nagin?
 
Instead of doing the obvious, Mayor Nagin (with no positive contribution from Gov. Kathleen Blanco, the other major leader vested with responsibility to address the hurricane disaster) loaded remaining new Orleans residents into the Superdome and the city's convention center. We know how that plan turned out.
 
About five years ago, in a debate before the National Association of Black Journalists, I stated that if whites were to just leave the United States and let blacks run the country, they would turn America into a ghetto within 10 years. The audience, shall we say, disagreed with me strongly. Now I have to disagree with me. I gave blacks too much credit. It took a mere three days for blacks to turn the Superdome and the convention center into ghettos, rampant with theft, rape and murder.
 
President Bush is not to blame for the rampant immorality of blacks. Had New Orleans' black community taken action, most would have been out of harm's way. But most were too lazy, immoral and trifling to do anything productive for themselves.
 
All Americans must tell blacks this truth. It was blacks' moral poverty not their material poverty that cost them dearly in New Orleans. Farrakhan, Jackson, and other race hustlers are to be repudiated for they will only perpetuate this problem by stirring up hatred and applauding moral corruption. New Orleans, to the extent it is to be rebuilt, should be remade into a dependency-free, morally strong city where corruption is opposed and success is applauded. Blacks are obligated to help themselves and not depend on the government to care for them. We are all obligated to tell them so. 

AMNESTY AND LYING

GREAT QUOTE:

"It appears we have appointed our worst generals to command forces, and our most gifted and brilliant to edit newspapers!   In fact, I discovered by reading newspapers that these editor/geniuses plainly saw all my strategic defects from the start, yet failed to inform me until it was too late.

Accordingly, I'm readily willing to yield my command to these obviously superior intellects, and I'll, in turn, do my best for the cause by writing editorials - after the fact."

Robert E. Lee, 1863

Once they went beyond the democrat liberal talking points, Americans realized what a scam the behing closed doors democrat liberal immigration bill is a bend over and take it screw job. 

Fred Thompson added a voice of reasona, "scrap this bill and the whole debate until we can convince the American people that we have secured the borders or at least have made great headway." 

"I don't care how you try to spin it, this is amnesty," said Sen. Jim DeMint, a South Carolina Republican

"This amnesty plan is no fairy tale -- it is a bad dream," Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia said.

AFL-CIO President John Sweeney objected to proposed limits on family-based migration and said the temporary worker program that would force laborers to return to their home countries after working in the United States amounts to "virtual servitude, where workers' fates are tied to their employers and their workplace rights are impossible to exercise."

TIME TO START OVER AND PROTECT

AMERICA FIRST

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep  and
cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well  known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S.  Air Force and the federal government.

However, you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day the following people were born;

Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.,
Hillary Rodham,
John F. Kerry,
William Jefferson Clinton,
Howard Dean,
Nancy Pelosi,
Dianne Feinstein,
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer


See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?

Thursday, May 24: Britain’s Prince Harry will say that he wasn’t afraid to go to Iraq, telling reporters, “Nothing I might see over there is as scary as Camilla.”

Friday, May 25: Sheryl Crow will return her newly adopted baby after discovering that it used more than one square of toilet paper per bathroom visit.

Saturday, May 26: The White House will insist that Iraq’s billions of dollars worth of stolen oil turned up missing before, and not after, Vice President Dick Cheney’s visit to Iraq this month.

Sunday, May 27: Attorney General Alberto Gonzales will issue this official statement: “I, for one, can’t believe I haven’t been canned yet.”

Anyone who remembers anything about World War II, or has studied anything about World War II, will understand and remember that during World War II, the Japanese developed a way to demoralize the American forces.  The Japanese psychological warfare experts developed a message they felt would work.

They gave their psychological warfare script to their famous broadcaster "Tokyo Rose" and every day she would broadcast this same message packaged in different ways, hoping it would have a negative impact on American an GI's morale. What was that demoralizing message?

 It had three main points:

 1. Your President is lying to you.
 2. This war is illegal.
 3. You cannot win the war

 Does this sound familiar?

 Is it because---

 Tokyo Hillary,
 Tokyo Harry,
 Tokyo Teddy
 Tokyo Nancy ,
 Tokyo Durbin,
 Tokyo Kerry,
 Tokyo Murtha
 Tokyo Barack Hussein Obama Jr,

etc. have all learned from the former enemies of our country and have picked up the same message and are broadcasting it on:

 Tokyo CNN, Wolf Blitzer
 Tokyo ABC, Charles Gibson
 Tokyo CBS, Katie Couric
 Tokyo NBC, Brian Williams / Tim Russert
 etc., to our troops?

The only difference is that they claim to support our troops before they try to demoralize them.

In a nationally televised debate last night, the ten candidates for the Republican presidential nomination engaged in a battle royal, with each candidate staking his claim to the title of the whitest white male in the G.O.P. race.

With the elusive white male voter holding the keys to victory in the G.O.P. nomination, all ten candidates seemed mindful of reaching out to that often-forgotten voting bloc.

The question of “who is the whitest” came up in the opening minutes of the debate held on the campus of the University of South Carolina, where hundreds of concerned white male voters gathered to hear the candidates speak.

“Not only am I the whitest male in this race, I am the whitest male named Thompson in this race,” said former Wisconsin governor Tommy Thompson in an apparent reference to former Tennessee senator Fred Thompson, who is poised to become the eleventh white male vying for the G.O.P. nod.

Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney went on the offensive when he cited his “impeccable whiteness credentials,” telling the crowd, “I was a governor, a businessman, and before that, a generic white male Clipart character.”

But perhaps the most electrifying moment in the debate came from Sen. John McCain of Arizona, who at 70 years of age would be the oldest white male ever elected president.

“With all due respect, I have been whiter longer than any of the men on this stage,” he said, to thunderous applause.

LOOK IN THE MIRROR SO TO SPEAK.....

Can fat old Al Gore be far behind?  BASICALLY ANYBODY AND EVERYBODY thinks they can beat Hillary and they are right.  Americans HATE Hillary and polls show that Hillary loses to President Bush in a hypothetical matchup.  No kidding.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich said Monday there is a very good chance he'll get into the race for the 2008 Republican presidential nomination, but he won't decide until after September.

"I think right now that it is a great possibility," Gingrich said. "I don't want to get into all this stuff. I want to focus on what we have to do to make America successful."

Trump, a self styled tycoon, said, "When I announce my candidacy it will be the best announcement ever.  I'm a mogul, tv star, genius, babe magnet, how could I possibly lose?"

Bloomberg, a nominal Republican, is preparing to throw himself into the presidential race next spring, if he sees an opening. He's told people privately that he'd be willing to spend $500 million or more to finance an independent, third-party presidential campaign — to collect the signatures needed to get him on the ballot in all 50 states, to buy ads and to pay for staff.

After contacting Admiral Stockdale and getting rebuffed, Bloomberg is in negotiations with Ross Perot.

JOHN....WE WEAR FLIP FLOPS AND DON'T HIDE UNDER THE SHEETS

A LAME CROSS DRESSING FAG

In a bold strategy aimed at clarifying his position on the abortion issue, former New York mayor and G.O.P. presidential hopeful Rudolph Giuliani today challenged himself to a televised debate.

The debate, to be moderated by MSNBC’s Chris Matthews, appears to be unprecedented in the annals of presidential politics in that no other candidate has ever before challenged himself to a one-on-one face-off.

But speaking from his campaign headquarters in New York today, Mr. Giuliani appeared upbeat about his prospects of beating himself.

“I know exactly what to expect from me, and I will be prepared,” he said. “May the best Giuliani win.”

Plans for the debate are already well under way, including a stage set with two podiums which Mr. Giuliani will shuttle back and forth between when switching from his pro-abortion stance to his anti-abortion one.

Campaign insiders say that the Giuliani-Giuliani debate is a “win-win” for the campaign, since it will show that the former New York mayor can appeal to voters on both sides of the abortion issue simultaneously.

But some observers raise a red flag of caution, remembering a similar plan from the 2004 presidential race in which Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) was to have debated himself on the war in Iraq.

The plan for the Massachusetts senator to debate himself on Iraq was ultimately scuttled by Mr. Kerry himself, who memorably told reporters, “I was for the idea of debating myself before I was against it.”

ANOTHER VIEW OF UNITED STATES MEXICO RELATIONS