Ernie Els Knows Golf and More

Strippers Pole Dancers and Golf

2008/9/30

Braile for Dummies

@ 08:35 PM (13 months, 26 days ago)

 

This blind guy is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and you guessed it,pees right down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie treat which he starts to offer to Fido. A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, "None of my business, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just wizzed all down the leg of your pants?" "Yes, I'm trying to break him of that habit", replies the blind man. "Well, it's none of my business," retorts the onlooker, "but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a treat!" To which the blind fella chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head, so I can kick his frigging ASS!"

2008/9/29

Whorehouse Managed by Hillary

@ 06:50 AM (13 months, 27 days ago)

 

 

 

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER,

'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

2008/9/26

The Birds and the Bees

@ 07:41 AM (14 months, 18 hours ago)

 

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.??
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.?
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.
 
 

S & M

@ 07:34 AM (14 months, 18 hours ago)

 

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up aga in to compare notes.
 
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'
 
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancée got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
 
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'
 

2008/9/23

Personal Ads by Women - False Advertising?

@ 08:37 PM (14 months, 3 days ago)

 

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MAKES ME WONDER WHETHER HAVING ANY WOMEN POLITICIANS IS A GOOD IDEA

 

2008/9/21

Sears Catalog

@ 08:43 PM (14 months, 5 days ago)

 

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.

One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'

The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'

 

2008/9/20

Being an American as Written by a South African

@ 09:12 AM (14 months, 6 days ago)

 

I am the Liberal-Progressives Worst Nightmare. I am an American. 

I am a Master Mason and believe in God. 

I ride Harleys Davidson Motorcycles and believe in American products. 

I believe the  money I make belongs to me and my family, not some Liberal 

governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican! 

I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way! 

I think  owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart  

American. 

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not 

entitle you to anything.  Get over it! 

I believe  that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English. 

I believe  everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they 

want to. 

My heroes are  John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and 

Willie G. Davidson wno makes the Awesome Harley Davidson Motorcycles. 

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. 

I know  wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it. 

I've never  owned a slave, or was a slave, I haven't burned any witches or 

been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut up already.

I believe if  you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you 

came from and  change your own country! This is AMERICA .. 

We like it  the way it is! 

If you were born here and don't like it you are free to move to any 

Socialist country that will have you.

I want to  know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson 

preaches, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem 

and not the solution. 

I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the 

law, regardless of what color you are. 

And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license. 

I think it's good.... And I'm proud that 'God' is written on my money. 

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you 

deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the 

next four years. 

I believe the  president of the United States should put his hand over his 

heart and say the pledge of alegance and should have no reservations about 

wearing American flag pins on his lapel. 

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff 

or  trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. Get a Job and  

do your part! 

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two  

parents. 
I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think. 

I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA ! 

We NEED GOD BACK IN OUR COUNTRY! 













WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, 

ONLY BECAUSE OF THE  BRAVE

2008/9/17

Spongebob Squarepants Found Dead in Detroit

@ 08:13 AM (14 months, 9 days ago)

 

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..... FLAT ON HIS BACK DEAD DRUNK

 

2008/9/14

Barber Shop Antics

@ 12:45 PM (14 months, 12 days ago)

 

A guy stuck his head in the Barber shop and asked "How Long Before I Can Get A Haircut"?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."  

    The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."         

  The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.  

 The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."  

 A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"  Bill looked up, very sad and with tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

 

2008/9/11

U. S. Army General Reinwald Interview Re: Boy Scouts

@ 09:53 PM (14 months, 15 days ago)

 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your post?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers !

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one ... are you?

 

2008/9/9

Pebble Beach Opens Ice Cream Counter

@ 07:58 PM (14 months, 17 days ago)

 

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CAN I HAVE THAT WITH A TWIST PLEASE?

2008/9/7

The Perfect Woman

@ 09:52 AM (14 months, 19 days ago)

 

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"MAYBE, BUT HOW MANY BAGS CAN SHE CARRY FOR 18 HOLES?

 

2008/9/6

Slow Golf Play Sucks

@ 08:50 AM (14 months, 20 days ago)

 

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an
Italian from  New York   were waiting one morning for a particularly slow
group of golfers in front of them.


The Italian from  New York fumed, 'What's with those jerks?  We're waiting
fifteen minutes between shots!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor
golf!'

The Chinese businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'!!!

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word
with him.'

'Excuse me, Sir!   Said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group
ahead of us?  They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes.  That's a group of blind fire
fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
so we always let them play for free anytime.'


The group fell silent for a moment.


The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea.  I'm going to contact my
Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able
to do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire
fighters Union in honor of these brave souls'!!


The Italian from  New York said, 'Why can't they fucking play at night?'

2008/9/2

Sarah Palin Cleavage

@ 04:31 PM (14 months, 24 days ago)

 

Karl Rove:  "pole dancing was part of the vetting process ......................................................................................."

 


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