Ernie Els Knows Golf and More

Strippers Pole Dancers and Golf

2009/1/30

Lunch with Construction Workers

@ 06:17 PM (9 months, 10 days ago)

 

An Irishman , a Mexican and a American Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.  They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off
this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The American opened his lunch and said, "Bolognaise again! If I get a bolognaise sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The American guy opened his lunch, saw the bolognaise and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the American's wife. The American's wife said, "Don't look at me.  The idiot makes his own lunch."

2009/1/28

Talking Clock Discovered

@ 05:49 PM (9 months, 12 days ago)

 

After closing the local Pub  a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of friends.   He led the way to his bedroom where standing against the wall was a big brass gong and a mallet.      

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the guests asked. 
          
'It's not  a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.      
   
'A talking clock?  Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.    

'Yup,' replied the drunk. 
         
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it. 

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.  The three stood looking at one another for a moment... 

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall  screamed:   'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the  morning!'
 

2009/1/26

The Truth Behind the AIG Bailout

@ 08:46 PM (9 months, 14 days ago)

 

Remember when this economic crisis hit, and Congress let Bear Sterns go under, pushed a bunch of forced marriages between banks, etc.?   Then they bailed out AIG.  At the time, I thought: "That's strange.  What does an insurance company have to do with this crisis?" 

 Among other things, AIG INSURES THE PENSION TRUST OF THE UNITED STATES CONGRESS!!  No wonder they got bailed out right away! 


"To h___ with the people, let's protect our future", said all our
Senators and Congressmen.  Nice to see where their loyalties lie! 

 

2009/1/24

Things Becoming Extinct in America

@ 08:17 PM (9 months, 16 days ago)

 


24. Yellow Pages
This year will be pivotal for the global Yellow Pages industry. 
Much like newspapers, print Yellow Pages will continue to bleed 
dollars to their various digital counterparts, from Internet 
Yellow Pages (IYPs), to local search engines and combination 
search/listing services like Reach Local and Yodel Factors like an 
acceleration of the print 'fade rate' and the looming recession 
will contribute to the onslaught. One research firm predicts the 
falloff in usage of newspapers and print Yellow Pages could even 
reach 10% this year -- much higher than the 2%-3% fade rate seen 
in past years.

23. Classified Ads
The Internet has made so many things obsolete that newspaper 
classified ads might sound like just another trivial item on a 
long list. But this is one of those harbingers of the future that 
could signal the end of civilization as we know it. The argument 
is that if newspaper classifieds are replaced by free online 
listings at sites like Craigslist.org and Google Base, then 
newspapers are not far be hind them.

22. Movie Rental Stores
While Netflix is looking up at the moment, Blockbuster keeps 
closing store locations by the hundreds. It still has about 6,000 
left across the world, but those keep dwindling and the stock is 
down considerably in 2008, especially since the company gave up a 
quest of
Circuit City. Movie Gallery, which owned the Hollywood 
Video brand, closed up shop earlier this year. Countless small 
video chains and mom-and-pop stores have given up the ghost 
already.

21. Dial-up Internet Access
Dial-up connections have fallen from 40% in 2001 to 10% in 2008. 
The combination of an infrastructure to accommodate affordable 
high speed Internet connections and the disappearing home phone 
have all but pounded the final nail in the coffin of dial-up 
Internet access.

20. Phone Landlines
According to a survey from the National Center for Health 
Statistics, at the end of 2007, nearly one in six homes was 
cell-only and, of those homes that had landlines, one in eight 
only received calls on their cells.

19. Chesapeake Bay Blue Crabs
Maryland's icon, the blue crab, has been fadi ng away in Chesapeake 
Bay
. Last year Maryland saw the lowest harvest (22 million pounds) 
since 1945. Just four decades ago the bay produced 96 million 
pounds. The population is down 70% since 1990, when they first did 
a formal count. There are only about 120 million crabs in the bay 
and they think they need 200 million for a sustainable population. 
Over-fishing, pollution, invasive species and global warming get 
the blame.

18. VCRs
For the better part of three decades, the VCR was a best-seller 
and staple in every American household until being completely 
decimated by the DVD, and now the Digital Video Recorder (DVR). In 
fact, the only remnants of the VHS age at your local Wal-Mart or 
Radio Shack are blank VHS tapes these days. Pre-recorded VHS tapes 
are largely gone and VHS decks are practically nowhere to be 
found. They served us so well.

17. Ash Trees
In the late 1990s, a pretty, iridescent green species of beetle, 
now known as the emerald ash borer, hitched a ride to
North 
America
with ash wood products imported from eastern Asia. In less 
than a decade, its larvae have killed millions of tr ees in the 
Midwest, and continue to spread. They've killed more than 30 
million ash trees in southeastern
Michigan alone, with tens of 
millions more lost in
Ohio and Indiana. More than 7.5 billion ash 
trees are currently at risk.

16. Ham Radio
Amateur radio operators enjoy personal (and often worldwide) 
wireless communications with each other and are able to support 
their communities with emergency and disaster communications if 
necessary, while increasing their personal knowledge of 
electronics and radio theory. However, proliferation of the 
Internet and its popularity among youth has caused the decline of 
amateur radio. In the past five years alone, the number of people 
holding active ham radio licenses has dropped by 50,000, even 
though Morse Code is no longer a requirement.

15. The Swimming Hole
Thanks to our litigious society, swimming holes are becoming a 
thing of the past. '20/20' reports that swimming hole owners, like 
Robert Every in High Falls, NY, are shutting them down out of 
worry that if someone gets hurt they'll sue. And that's exactly 
what happened in Sea ttle. The city of
Bellingham was sued by Katie 
Hofstetter who was paralyzed in a fall at a popular swimming hole 
in
Whatcom Falls Park. As injuries occur and lawsuits follow, 
expect more swimming holes to post 'Keep out!' signs.

14. Answering Machines
The increasing disappearance of answering machines is directly 
tied to No 20 our list -- the decline of landlines. According to 
USA Today, the number of homes that only use cell phones jumped 
159% between 2004 and 2007. It has been particularly bad in
New 
York
; since 2000, landline usage has dropped 55%. It's logical 
that as cell phones rise, many of them replacing traditional 
landlines, that there will be fewer answering machines.

13. Cameras That Use Film
It doesn't require a statistician to prove the rapid disappearance 
of the film camera in
America. Just look to companies like Nikon, 
the professional's choice for quality camera equipment. In 2006, 
it announced that it would stop making film cameras, pointing to 
the shrinking market -- only 3% of its sales in 2005, compared to 
75% of sales from digital cameras and equipment.

12. Incandescent Bulbs
Before a few years ago, the standard 60-watt (or, yikes, 100-watt) 
bulb was the mainstay of every
U.S. home. With the green movement 
and all-things-sustainable-energy crowd, the Compact Fluorescent 
Lightbulb (CFL) is largely replacing the older, Edison-era 
incandescent bulb. The EPA reports that 2007 sales for Energy Star 
CFLs nearly doubled from 2006, and these sales accounted for 
approximately 20 percent of the
U.S. light bulb market. And 
according to USA Today, a new energy bill plans to phase out 
incandescent bulbs in the next four to 12 years.

11. Stand-Alone Bowling Alleys
BowlingBalls.
US claims there are still 60 million Americans who 
bowl at least once a year, but many are not bowling in stand-alone 
bowling alleys. Today most new bowling alleys are part of 
facilities for all types or recreation including laser tag, 
go-karts, bumper cars, video game arcades, climbing walls and glow 
miniature golf. Bowling lanes also have been added to many 
non-traditional venues such as adult communities, hotels and 
resorts, and gambling casinos.

10. The Milkman
According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, in 1950, over 
half of the milk delivered was to the home in quart bottles, by 
1963, it was about a third and by 2001, it represented only 0.4% 
percent. Nowadays most milk is sold through supermarkets in gallon 
jugs. The steady decline in home-delivered milk is blamed, of 
course, on the rise of the supermarket, better home refrigeration 
and longer-lasting milk. Although some milkmen still make the 
rounds in pockets of the
U.S., they are certainly a dying breed.

9. Hand-Written Letters
In 2006, the Radicati Group estimated that, worldwide, 183 billion 
e-mails were sent each day. Two million each second. By November 
of 2007, an estimated 3.3 billion Earthlings owned cell phones, 
and 80% of the world's population had access to cell phone 
coverage. In 2004, half-a-trillion text messages were sent, and 
the number has no doubt increased exponentially since then. So 
where amongst this gorge of gabble is there room for the elegant, 
polite hand-written letter?

8. Wild Horses
It is estimated that 100 years ago, as many as two million horses 
were roaming free within the
United States. In 2001, National 
Geographic News estimated that the wild horse population had

 

decreased to about 50,000 head. Currently, the National Wild Horse 
and Burro Advisory board states that there are 32,000 free roaming 
horses in ten Western states, with half of them residing in 
Nevada. The Bureau of Land Management is seeking to reduce the 
total number of free range horses to 27,000, possibly by selective 
euthanasia.

7. Personal Checks
According to an American Bankers Assoc. report, a net 23% of 
consumers plan to decrease their use of checks over the next two 
years, while a net 14% plan to increase their use of PIN debit. 
Bill payment remains the last stronghold of paper-based 
payments -- for the time being. Checks continue to be the most 
commonly used bill payment method, with 71% of consumers paying at 
least one recurring bill per month by writing a check. However, on 
a bill-by-bill basis, checks account for only 49% of consumers' 
recurring bill payments (down from 72% in 2001 and 60% in 2003).

6. Drive-in Theaters
During the peak in 1958, there were more than 4,000 drive-in 
theaters in this country, but in 2007 only 405 drive-ins were 
still operating. Exactly zero new drive-ins have been built sinc e 
2005. Only one reopened in 2005 and five reopened in 2006, so 
there isn't much of a movement toward reviving the closed ones.

5. Mumps & Measles
Despite what's been in the news lately, the measles and mumps 
actually, truly are disappearing from the
United States. In 1964, 
212,000 cases of mumps were reported in the
U.S. By 1983, this 
figure had dropped to 3,000, thanks to a vigorous vaccination 
program. Prior to the introduction of the measles vaccine, 
approximately half a million cases of measles were reported in the 
U.S. annually, resulting in 450 deaths. In 2005, only 66 cases 
were recorded.

4. Honey Bees
Perhaps nothing on our list of disappearing America is so dire; 
plummeting so enormously; and so necessary to the survival of our 
food supply as the honey bee. Very scary. 'Colony Collapse 
Disorder,' or CCD, has spread throughout the
U.S. and Europe over 
the past few years, wiping out 50% to 90% of the colonies of many 
beekeepers -- and along with it, their livelihood.

3. News Magazines and TV News
While the TV evening newscasts haven't gone anywhere over the last 
several decades, their audiences have. In 1984, in a story about 
the diminishing returns of the evening news, the New York Times 
reported that all three network evening-news programs combined had 
only 40.9 million viewers. Fast forward to 2008, and what they 
have today is half that.

2. Analog TV
According to the Consumer Electronics Association, 85% of homes in 
the
U.S. get their television programming through cable or 
satellite providers. For the remaining 15% -- or 13 million 
individuals -- who are using rabbit ears or a large outdoor 
antenna to get their local stations, change is in the air. If you 
are one of these people you'll need to get a new TV or a converter 
box in order to get the new stations which will only be broadcast 
in digital.

1. The Family Farm
Since the 1930s, the number of family farms has been declining 
rapidly. According to the USDA, 5.3 million farms dotted the 
nation in 1950, but this number had declined to 2.1 million by the 
2003 farm census (data from the 2007 census hasn't yet been 
published). Ninety-one percent of the U.S. FARMS are small Family;
Farms.

2009/1/22

Picking Up Women in a Hotel Lobby

Tags:
@ 08:21 PM (9 months, 18 days ago)

 



A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.  They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.' 

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

2009/1/20

Pickle Factory

@ 08:38 PM (9 months, 20 days ago)

 


He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.  He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.  

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. 

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.  'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.  'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' 

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed...  'Yes, I did.' he replied.  'My God, Bill, what happened?' 

'I got fired.'
   'No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'  'Oh..she got fired too.'

 

2009/1/18

Sex in the Shower

@ 06:47 PM (9 months, 22 days ago)

.

In a recent survey carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!   In the survey, 86% of Chicago's elite residents, and government officials said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.   The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

 

 

2009/1/17

Fifty Year Anniversity and Still Going At It

@ 07:47 AM (9 months, 24 days ago)

 

A couple had been married for 50 years.  They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 

'I know,' the old man said.  'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 

'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'  Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.   'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

 

2009/1/15

Helping a Widow

@ 06:03 PM (9 months, 25 days ago)

 

Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into
the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom I have someone for you to meet.'
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to
join him for a weekend in
Vermont .
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood
nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday
suit.
Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?' She replied: 'My
breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am
still mourning.
' He knew he was not getting lucky that night .
The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black
panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black
condom .
She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?' He replied,
'I want to offer you my deepest condolences.'


2009/1/13

Why Women Stay Fresh for Gynecologist Appointments

@ 08:21 PM (9 months, 27 days ago)


One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.  The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'  The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.   'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?' 

2009/1/12

Shooting the Bull

@ 08:03 PM (9 months, 28 days ago)

 

DO BULLS DO IT DOGGY STYLE?

 

2009/1/10

Lapdancer Overdoes it on Els

@ 10:14 AM (10 months, 1 day ago)

 

"I didn't ask for it or pay for it"

 

2009/1/7

Massage with Surprise Ending

@ 05:28 PM (10 months, 3 days ago)

 

NOTHING QUITE LIKE IT

2009/1/5

Bill Richardson Withdraws Due to Corruption

@ 04:07 PM (10 months, 5 days ago)

 

Obama immediately nominates a pole dancer for Secretary of Commerce.  "What the hell does a Secretary of Commerce do anyway, we want eye candy", announced the press office.

 

2009/1/3

Prohibition What's It Good For

@ 07:57 PM (10 months, 7 days ago)

 

THAT would make me drink MORE

 

2009/1/1

Protecting the Unborn

@ 08:38 PM (10 months, 9 days ago)

 

Is this the so called "skank" you all are picking on?   If so, it's well deserved.

 


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