Ernie Els Knows Golf and More

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white U.S. government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The  Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly said,  'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

I don't THINK so

A Mexican, a Black, & a Redneck were walking together on a beach when The Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared.    "I can only grant 3 wishes," the Genie said. "Since there are 3 of you, you may have one wish apiece." Pointing at the Black, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."    The Black studied for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland,  Africa."    Poof! It was done! Hundreds of ships appeared on the skyline.    The Mexican said, "I weesh for enough Cheby peekups to take all my people back to our homeland, May-he-co".     Poof! It was done! Row after row of Chevy Pickups appeared on the beach.     Turning to the Redneck, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?"

   The Redneck watched as the loaded pickups began moving toward the Border, then looked out to sea & watched the loaded ships sailing off into the sunset and said:    "Just give me a Miller Light and a lounge chair. It don't get any better than this!"

HELP FOR AILING AIG EXECUTIVES

Two gay men decide to have a  baby. They mix their sperm together, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
 
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays she points out the happy child as theirs.
 
"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves our love for one another."
 
  The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we pull the pacifier out of his ass."

After one full day of listening to him talk, Charles Barkley's cellmate asked to be placed in solitary confinement.

I SEE THIS AS POTENTIAL SIDEBAR MATERIAL MOS, IT'S ALL YOURS DUDE